It’s been a day…hell, it’s been a week, a month…

You all know what it’s like when you just have “one of those days,” right?  Today was one of those.  I did not feel at all like adulting and I had to adult.  I had to take my car in for maintenance, I had to vote, I had to take the dog to the vet, and I had to start the process of homebuying. Almost all of these require money.  Money makes me kind of ill when you start talking about amounts over about $1000. So while a happy car, healthy dog, and possible home are all good things…my nerves are kinda shot.  But today was not the only “day” in recent memory.

First of all, with pollen levels up around 5000 (per one of my running buddies), I want to scratch my eyeballs out & chop off my nose…and even sometimes my ears.  Sure, the daith piercing REALLY seems to be helping the migraines (only one since the piercing), but it does NOTHING for sinus headaches.  I have like four kinds of eye drops in rotation, am doubled up on my allergy meds, and am taking nightly benedryl.  Woo.  I usually go to bed with a cool wet cloth on my eyes.  Running outside has been hellacious; coaching outside has been hellacious.  The plants are thoroughly wrecking my chill…that I don’t even have…

I need new psych meds.  I have been thinking this for a while, but we played with dosing of my current ones first to see if that helped.  It has not.  I feel like my thoughts are dulled, like I’m not hearing things or remembering things properly, and that sometimes I’m talking in slow-mo.  For me, the talking part is especially alarming, since I usually talk REALLY fast.  Grading has become harder, not because the work is poor, but because my concentration is for shit.  Luckily, I see Dr. Lee on Thursday, so I can talk about this.  I am putting my foot down; we are trying something new.

Needing new psych meds is especially an issue with being in a definite down swing and possible depressive relapse.  I am not a happy camper.  April ALWAYS sucks…it’s the month Matt died and that just means pile of suck.  Jay dealt with his grandfather’s birthday without his grandfather, as he passed in June.  Those two dates were four days a part.  I have confirmation that my AP class is no longer mine next year, and while I have been offered a consolation prize that’s awesome, I’m still pissed. My track team has been in various shades of suck, with people quitting for various reasons, and this may be a year of no States.  Kiki “could” save us, but she almost walked away for good because she’s stressed about AP exams and college.  We’ll see how she does come Regionals.  (update: one kid is out for tomorrow’s meet…hurt his ankle playing basketball today) Doctorate is still in holding pattern.  Was supposed to meet with Ang & Mark last week, this did not happen.  Testing is wrecking my schedule and moving my classes around. And if this isn’t enough, I’ve been dealing with shit relating to the annulment Clark has filed for.  The way he addressed the situation in the initial documentation made me REALLY upset.  After thinking on it for a bit, I sent him an email.  Some excerpts…

Your martyr-esque near blamelessness was a bit of an overkill. However, I’m sure that’s how you needed to frame it to achieve your goals. I signed off in agreement with the process, not in agreement with your statement. I’ll be mailing the paperwork back this afternoon.
As it stands, your blatant lack of taking on any responsibility (as if I recall, you never raised the possibility of counseling until my May 2014 breakdown where I expressed I wanted a divorce and would not be dissuaded) is a punch in the gut and an obvious casting of blame on me alone. Funny how “in sickness and in health” must not have included mental illness….our friendship is irreparably broken. I have never been made to feel so guilty for being ill. Not even when you actively “struggled” (or in my eyes, avoided) trying to understand the difficulties of living with bipolar disorder. I have never felt so betrayed by a friend.

Needless to say, we have not spoken since.  I ignored the last round pf paperwork with the “possible reasons our marriage was not valid,” and I’m sitting on the piece where I have to decide my level of involvement with the tribunal.  As I told Jay, I’m bad with failure (hence the eternal lingering dissertation despite my rage toward ND of MD), so I was already a little shaken by the reminder of my failure that is the annulment process, and add to it a perception that it was ALL my fault, I’m a little done.  Hence the shakiness over top of the already present shakiness AND the need to blog…and switch meds…and drink…

I now feel terrible though, because he and his wife are going through a difficult period (if you’re his friend, you know) and I feel utterly TERRIBLE for Nicole.  It’s something I have dealt with (a long time ago) and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  I’m still beyond hurt by him, but it doesn’t stop my sympathy for her and the situation.

I have tried to cope; I scheduled four runs in a one month period to keep me sane-ish, and while that’s keeping me from full-on loco, I need something more.  Andi can only deal with so much of my run bitchery!  I have tried forcing myself to go out (thanks, Popcorn!).  I’ve spent even more Jay time than usual.  I have played “My Boo” Running Man videos (7-11, YAASSS!) and even played the song to my track girls and had them break out in dance as expected.  I have spent time with my dog.  I have drank…I am drinking…right now…a tempranillo…  This weekend is home and Pittsburgh half, but now I have to worry about bumping into my ex-fiance…he emailed me asking if I was running.  I did not reply.  Ugh… And my tri training aside from running is for shit.  I’m wondering if I should do Augusta 70.3.  I know I still have plenty of time, but I’ve been putting too much before my training and it’s apparent that I need to start back into serious training mode.  I feel better when Sev and I are out on the road, but Sunday Runday and runs have kept me from Sunday riding with Princeton and track meets have kept me from RBR.

I’m a worried mess about my financial status in relationship to home-buying and my tri performance.  These are two big deals.  I’m even MORE worried about my mental state and my ability to stand being within 100m of my ex-husband (cry or punch, both should not occur in front of my athletes).  I’m worried that I’m going to drive my boyfriend nuts when he has enough on his own plate.  I worry that there is not enough wine in the world to make me okay…or that I’m going to become an alcoholic whilst (a kid used that in a recent summative assessment as opposed to while, so “whilst” it is) trying to find that wine.  I’m worried about the damn presidential election and Baltimore’s mayoral election.  Our country and my home city are both a mother-f*cking mess… I’m worried that I may begin to exist on ice-cream alone (Jay may also worry about this).

Despite all of this, I have people at CCG that are making me feel like a valuable contributor to the camp experience.  Janice has asked me to be on-call to help as needed, because we have a BIG group of new campers this year.  I’m well-aware that ALL Mira wants to do is hike and swim…she says f*ck all other things…so I’ll have the time to help.  That makes me happy.  I love camp; I love NY.  Part of me really wants to move there, but part of me knows I NEED to be in MD.  I need to be close to my family, especially my baby niece who is one of the brightest lights of my life, and I can’t uproot Jay from his family.  MD is really home now.  Maybe I’ll spend significant time in NY when I’m a roving gnome in a Winnebago after I retire.

I don’t know. I just needed a mental purge folks.  I have to eat, so this delicious wine does not hamper my ability to do my casenex HW for my behavior class.

Love you all for putting up with my bitchery…

Wino out…

 

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